Using fitness to overcome fear
What exactly is a mid-life crisis? Menopause is clearly a factor and is a hot topic right now, but in my case, I don’t think fluctuating hormones were the only culprit. I was becoming a worrier. Worrying about everyone and everything in my life. Imagining outcomes to everyday scenarios that never ended well. Fear of losing loved ones, of dying or getting ill, fear of failure, fear of getting old, running out of money, fear for the environment and the future faced by our children, fear of being judged by others.
This is hard for me to write about, (fear of showing weakness, fear of being negative) because we want others to think we are strong and have got our shit together. Living with irrational fear is like living under a shadow that’s always been there. You become used to living like that and as you go about your life, you don’t question it. It’s just how you are.
I’m an erratic journaler. I’ve kept diaries for decades and, when the mood takes me, I like to sit and write. And it was through journaling that I realised that fear was ruling my life. It’s not just your imagination that is haunted by fearful thoughts. Every tiny action is mired in anxiety; am I are doing the right thing? What will (xxx) think? Should I do more? When you question everything for fear of getting things wrong or view decisions from the perspective of others for fear of upsetting them, it holds you back and fills you with doubt about yourself and what you are capable of. Worse, you don’t trust your instincts and lose sight of what you need to feel happy and content with life.
This state of mind affected every part of my life, including how I ate and my fitness. Like many people my age, I get twinges now and again. Occasionally I pull muscles or have a few weeks of having a bad back. Fear of injuring myself became a dominant thought and I was scared to push myself in the gym which meant my fitness was going backwards. When I felt anxious (most days) I had cravings. Eating is a great way to distract yourself when you feel worried about something, and that’s what I did. Of course, I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing. I convinced myself I was hungry or needed to keep my energy up.
But once I became aware of my fear and how it touched everything I did, I decided I didn’t want to be frightened anymore. I wanted to be free from overthinking every tiny decision I made, or endlessly worrying about the important people in my life. My fear of negative outcomes wasn’t helping me control or change anything. It was simply weighing me down.
I didn’t know how to change this. I just knew I wanted to.
My first deliberate step to stop fear from ruling my life was to book myself onto a Wim Hof experience day. I set off at 7am on my own one Sunday morning and drove to a stunning Lake District location for a day of meditation and sharing of life stories and experiences with a group of middle-aged strangers. Then we walked to a local stream, stripped off to our swimwear and walked into the freezing cold water.
Around the same time, my partner Tim and I decided to buy a couple of paddleboards. Being on a paddleboard in the middle of lake without another person in sight is a magical experience. But either side of the bliss is a lot of discomfort. Inflating a paddleboard is a hideous task. At 6 foot high and a couple of feet wide, it’s cumbersome to carry on the unsteady walk down to the side of a lake in neoprene socks, feeling every stone under your feet. At some point whilst you are out, the cold water becomes too uncomfortable and that’s when it’s time to head back. Within minutes the expanse of the lake is swapped for crouching in the back of a dusty van peeling off a muddy wetsuit and trying to pull clothes onto shivering, damp skin. Back home, wetsuits and paddleboards need washing and drying. A lot of discomfort and effort for a couple of hours of joy.
What I soon started to notice was my determination to push past the discomfort in order to enjoy the short time on the board. Once you’re on all you have to do is bask in the beauty of your surroundings. That’s the easy part. The real challenge is to be strong enough to endure the cold and wet. To have the physical strength to carry heavy things and the balance to walk on slippery trails and steady the board on the water.
We all want more excitement and joy in our lives, but my fear kept me stuck inside my comfort zone. The only answer I could come up with was to get out of my head and into my body. Fear traps us where we are and keeps us hidden and still, but when we move we face the fear, the fear of discomfort, of struggling and of pain. We might not know where we’re going, but at least we’re heading somewhere, and who know’s what we’ll find if we keep moving?
In late summer last year, Tim suggested, out of the blue, that for our next holiday, we should go to the Alps and cycle some of the classic hill routes from the Tour De France. Tim loves cycling but hadn’t done much over the last 10 years or so. Weekends were more about spending time with our kids when they were younger and I’m ashamed to admit that I actively discouraged him from cycling because I was worried about him going out. That delightful combination of fear and control again. But I was knocked off my bike by a car when I was 19, so at least I had a convenient excuse I could use to justify my fears.
Still, the idea really captured my imagination. It sounded like the type of adventure I was always dreaming of, but doing nothing about. I was in!
Deciding to go on this holiday meant overcoming my fear of cycling on roads. We’ve bought a tent for the trip and I’m googling portaloos at the moment. I’ve never been camping. I like glamorous hotels, comfortable beds and the privacy of en-suite bathrooms, so I’m definitely out of my holiday comfort zone!
I’m exercising more than I have done for decades, pushing past my fears or injuring myself. I’m not eating out of boredom or anxiety, but to recover from training, build muscle and give me the energy to get the best out of my workouts. My legs are aching most of the time, and by evening I’m exhausted. But I feel elated, excited about my holiday of course, but also excited about life in general because taking my fitness to the next level (and I’ve got a long way to go) has helped me let go of the fear that was holding me back.
Exercise isn’t comfortable. You feel hot, you sweat, your muscles burn, and you feel like your heart is going to burst through your chest. But enduring each workout is a small victory.
Immediately after exercise, you’re flooded with mood-boosting hormones. It only takes a couple of weeks before you notice the physical changes; you can work harder, go for longer, lift heavier and recover faster, and that is when how you feel about yourself starts to change; you feel powerful, confident, and proud of yourself, and you want more. You realise that if you keep going, keep pushing past the discomfort you’ll get stronger and then you start to believe you are capable of so much more. Leaning into the physical pain of exercise teaches you that you can face other areas of discomfort in your life and become braver in the face of your fears. When you feel strong and assertive you want to take control over your life, make the most of the choices you do have and use the power you have to make decisions for yourself. This changes the course of your life one decision at a time.
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